This post is not intended to offend nor ruffle any feathers, today I feel like venting and that is exactly what I will do. Do not tell me to keep silent, do not tell me not to post such things.
If I recall, on the days, times, and years I was being sexually, physically and emotionally abused no one said to the abuser..STOP……No one INTERVENED…… No one said BE GONE.
I believe I have earned my right to speak, I have earned my right to vent, I have earned my right to rant and I have earned my right to speak about my journey and experiences. Because I SURVIVED. Without your voice or your help.
Today I post this to God, yes to God. We are taught that he is divine and the creator of all mankind, that he shields and protects and stands up for his creations. That he is all-powerful and all-knowing and has the whole world in his hands.
As a child every Sunday I was dressed and sent to church from nine in the morning until three in the afternoon, when my abuse began, I was scared, shocked and confused. Why did the God I loved allow this to happen to me a seven-year old? Why did he not prevent it from happening? Did I not follow all what I was taught then? I prayed before I went to bed, I prayed when I awoke, I tried very hard to be obedient and I never missed church.
When my abuse continued even though I prayed and prayed to you to intervene, you never did. You allowed pain to be my lot in this life. I then asked you to take my life but you never did. I tried on my own to take my own life but you intervened then, to subject me to greater abuse. It would have been much easier if you had never created me, allowed me to be born or if you had taken my life when I asked you too. Did you by chance find some pleasure in seeing your creation hurt and abused? I will never know.
How did you expect me to have full faith in a God who NEVER intervened to prevent my hurt or the hurt of other little girls like myself?. Was I one of your chess pieces on this huge chess board of life?. Please let me know if I played my part well? For if I was indeed one of your actors and had you offered me a choice I would have preferred another role.
You speak of love but my experience with you was one of hate, you speak of faithfulness but I endured unfaithfulness, you speak of obedience but it seemed as though you allowed disobedience for it was in your power to turn the tide of battle. You speak of peace but all I got was war and chaos. You speak of prosperity but I received poverty of spirit, emotionally and physically.
I read about a God who parted the Red sea, who destroyed nations, annihilated armies, walked in the fiery furnace, stood in the Lions den, slew Goliath and walked upon this earth. I read about a God who created this world just by his word, was incarnated and born of a virgin, who allowed the sun to stand still. Yet the power of this God I never experienced, the protection of this God I never saw and the love of this God I still long for.
Did I play my part well, am I playing my part well and will I play my part well for this life certainly seems to be dream or some fantasy tale and all I ask is if I am dreaming then please wake me up when it’s all over.
I blame you for not helping me, I blame you for not easing my pain, I blame you for my distress and I blame you for creating me to be abused and used I BLAME YOU.
As I listened to preaching after preaching I sought you, I longed to embrace and love this God I heard so much about, but it was like chasing an elusive dream or like chasing a man who does not want me all I received in return was pain, no wonder that in many of my relationships I saw nothing in being hurt because you Father God taught me well.
No wonder I had problems with showing and receiving love because I gave what you gave me or allowed to be given to me, no wonder I had problems trusting for you trained me well my Father, no wonder my life was a mess because you made it so.
And the funny thing is when I heard about the judgement I longed to be more closer to you, I longed to be good and do good. So I would keep silent about my abuse because if I told I would go to hell, if I rebelled as a teenager I would go to hell, if I was promiscuous I would go to hell, If I lied and broke the Sabbath I would go to hell. Yet you gave me hell, and those preaching fair words of love, condemnation and the judgement had to be spiritually blind for if they were sighted they would have realized I was already living in hell.
What can I say I cannot fight with you, I can only rant and vent, for after all you are God, you are the boss you rule and we must all be subjected to your rules whether we like it or not, whether we plead, beg or pray for change.
People say man can move the hand of God, to this I laugh no man can move the hand of God he has already planned what he wants done and orchestrates events and situations to bring his plans to pass and man in his finite foolishness believes to himself that he has done something grand to move Gods hand.
I wish I had the power to move Gods hand or to allow him to change his mind, back then when I was being abused. Until then if you pray then pray on, if you worship please continue to worship on, if you believe then believe on and if you think you can move Gods hand or change his mind think on.
For me I will just try to live on and hope one day that I will truly experience the goodness of this God I read about and prayed to for so many years.
God I have finished ranting for today. Maybe tomorrow I will vent, do I still love you? Yes I do. Do I still long to feel your embrace? Off course I do. Do I still seek your goodness and blessings of prosperity? Believe it I do.