Tag Archives: abuse

No true fighter for a cause ever came out unscathed.


Some of the hardest people to work with, are those who will not accept responsibility for their actions and those who are crying out for help but will not embrace it when it arrives. There are way more which I can add to this list however I am dealing with these type of persons for now.

At times it is better not to know, hear or see for when you know you have a responsibility to act and do something, sadly when you do act. You place yourself in an open position to be blamed, accused and even refused.

Helping people is a science it is technical, difficult and also simple. There are so many factors attached, I do not believe in just giving clothes, shoes, food or a house I firmly believe that these can be given easily, however the real issue is dealing with the root cause of why that person is in the position they are in.

How do we begin to address the root cause and work with people to accept blame and responsibility for their bad life choices and negative behaviours which have impacted so many around them. People love to cast blame accepting blame seems to be a serious disorder.

After saying all this here is a list of some of the hardest people to work with:

1. A chronic abuser who blames everyone and everything, and firmly believes in his/her mind that they are doing nothing wrong, such a person is deceptive, evil and dangerous. They will even blame those who are helping them and attach their actions and behaviours to the person.

2. A victim who has been silently crying out for help and deliverance, when the help is near even in their mouth and reaches out to embrace it however reclines in fear, afraid to be set free, while saying they will embrace it, this same victim will be grateful for the help but will also turn against those who have come to help belching the sentiments of the abuser. While inwardly is crying.

3. Children who are constantly exposed to abuse, it is said that after 7 years a child will learn various things which will be very hard to let go off and unlearn, it is also said it is easier to fix a child than a broken adult.

4. Many in society who say “You should’ve left them alone in their mess”

5. Many NGO’s who are just plastering and not healing.

Many will say leave it alone, however I would say continue, continue to help even if you are able to save one child from that toxic circle then you have done well, if you can open the mind of one victim that their conscience will continue to bother them then you have done well and even if you can show an abuser that you are not afraid of them then you have done well.

Nobody said the road of an advocate would be an easy one but the few rewards will be well worth the struggle, no true fighter for a cause ever came out unscathed. We should always be reminded of the saying “Woe unto you when everyone shall speak well of you for so did their fathers unto the false prophets.”

The presidents Appeal for WAR


As an advocate I research all free outlets I can find to spread the message about child sexual abuse, rape, human trafficking, sex slaves, domestic violence and abuse, for I firmly believe the more information sent out the more persons will be able to see, hear and understand the seriousness of this cause, and get involved.

Lives are being degraded daily, children are being ruined and young men and women are being brutalized, so I came across a website which allows you to do animations and I quickly got to work I share now with you “The Presidents Appeal for WAR”.

 

Do enjoy and remember to support the cause.

Join the cause

Join the campaign on face book

Sign the petition at Change.org

Follow us on twitter

Would you like to work with us send us an email at oabi.org@gmail.com

In closing remember that silence is not an option in this war.

Violence is covered by Silence.


It is said that “Silence is an admission of guilt or Silence is consent” these most popular statements are used daily by many in society, however I like the words of Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) “Silence propagates itself, and the longer talk has been suspended the more difficult it is to find anything to say”.

Many persons have said if the victim of domestic violence does not speak up it is because they have accepted the abuse.  Nothing could be further from the truth the victim of abuse NEVER accepts or encourages their partner to abuse them and use them as a punching bag or verbal floor cloth.

The victim is silent because of fear, shame, guilt, influential and economic positions, society labelling, and recrimination.  Fear because of the continual physical and verbal abuse which the victim has to endure.

Fear for their own safety, the safety of their children, and family members.  They believe by their silence life is preserved the abuser uses threats to keep the victim in submission and  may even commit some gruesome act against someone close to the victim for silence to be maintained.

Society has a huge role to play in this silence as the issue of domestic violence and abuse has met with a callous response from many those who speak against abuse and its narcissistic behaviour are in the minority.  The majority of society have the attitude that it is a “domestic” issue and as such should be dealt with in the family circle without outside interference or intervention, many in society place all the blame upon the victim who has been brutalized and damaged.

Many have said “if the victim did not like it they would have left a long time ago rather than stay to be abused”; it is very easy to say what should be done when one is not placed in the situation.  While the abused is ridiculed and condemned the perpetrator is placed upon a pedestal as a moral citizen and someone of class and impeccable integrity one who should be emulated by all.

Victim’s silence is not by choice nor is it a sign of acceptance many look at their children, their economic position for themselves and the rest of the family and they ask themselves the following questions.

If I leave how will I get by?

Where will I go?

Will I be able to take care of the children and providing their needs?

Will they have the advantages which they presently have?

How long will my family take care of us and are they ready to deal with our emotional issues?

More questions than answers bombard the mind of the victim as they continue to feel inept as a person and provider having no way out and no one to turn to.

There are those victims who look at the influential standing and positions of authority which the abuser holds, some people seem to think that domestic violence and abuse is not an issue for persons in public life and the celebrity arena.

This issue is very much prevalent among this class however it is an embolden secret within the walls of many influential persons in society, the family members are bound together in gross and dark benumbing silence with the black cords of secrets which eat away at their very heart, conscience, emotion and self-worth.

Many turn to the bottle to release their pain of entrapment, some turn to the wild life and stealing petty things while they have millions, some unfortunately try to commit suicide and others look for love, respect, comfort and care in all the wrong places and by doing all the wrong things all the while seeking an escape.

No one can break the silence of domestic violence and abuse but you, if you continue to be silent other’s may very well interpret it as consent as “silence is a text easy to misread” speaking out removes the guilt and shame and frees you mentally and emotionally.

Material things can be replaced not as quickly as you wish them to be however over time they can be replaced, but a mentally unstable and emotionally weak soul is of greater importance and priceless value than any material thing which one may acquire, mental and emotional stability is not so easily repaired and cannot be replaced.

It is gross negligence and selfishness to grow children in any abusive environment this atmosphere sends a wrong messages about love and family to the children their mental and emotional state is in jeopardy and it wrecks their life and future.

Is it because many persons are free from abuse that they do not see the need to get involved in the campaign against abuse?

 Is it that many have broken free from domestic violence and abuse and are still afraid to speak out even though they are free in body but the mind is still imprisoned?

Is it because many avoid the subject in fear of the can of worms which will come forth so they have made a conscious decision to keep silent on this most pressing issue?

The voices and ability of many should be publicly and vocally heard in every area of society unmasking the evil design of this horrendous act which daily unleashes its wrath upon its victims as it sucks them dry and imprisons them, this act of violence has sent many  to early painful graves.

Your voice should be heard in every community, in the parliaments, behind the pulpits and in the pews, from the desk of the professional, in the halls of the academic, in the court houses, from the desk of the student, through the pen of the journalist, from the mouths of the reporters and across lands and seas.

From entrepreneur and employee, the actor should tell the story and the singer should re-echo the pain, the social networks and the media should post it abroad now is the time for all to get involved this is a matter of life and death get involved by using your voice, means, and ability in this campaign against Domestic violence and abuse.

Will you continue to say nothing while many victims are sent to early graves physically, emotionally, and mentally?

From the desk of O.A.B.I

Remember abuse is NEVER your fault you are fearful and wonderfully made love you.

Abuse is a Learned behaviour


A person does not become abusive overnight, abuse is a learned behaviour it was either taught to the individual through various practices and experiences in the family circle the family circle is the education ground for all children.

Children learn to be a husband or wife based on what their parents teach them or someone outside of the family who they look up to as a role model may have perpetuated abusive actions on the individual.

 

Through my research I have placed the perpetrators of abuse into two categories.

Generation perpetrators of Abuse

The abuser is daily living with the pain and shame of being abused and have been exposed to an abusive environment for years so the abuse has become a normal part of life for them.  However they are aware that their behaviour is wrong and they need help the simplest thing sets them off and they become abusive.

There can be no change until the perpetrator admits they need help, seek help, and continue on in treatment for this to be done the abuser must also acknowledge that they are weak and out of control, should they be confronted about their behaviour they quickly become defensive and shift blame to anyone or anything.  They hate to be corrected.

Narcissistic and Sadistic perpetrators of Abuse

The narcissistic and sadistic abuser has pleasure in propagating their abusive lifestyle all the while knowing it is wrong and eventually they reach to the point where they have accepted their way as the only way and the right way.

This type of abuser is very manipulative and charming they feel invigorated to know that everyone around them bows to them and walks on egg shells around them, they find utmost pleasure and heightened emotional ecstasy in abusive acts of violence and in the administering of pain and fear to their victims.

These abusers will commit murder and justify their acts of violence with charm as they see nothing wrong with what they have done; these persons cannot safely live with other people in a family unit as they will continue to destroy other persons.

Abuse does not get better with time–it only gets worse and will lead to death.

____________________________________

The information below has been quoted from WIKIPEDIA about the Narcissistic personality.

“Diagnosis

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

Requires excessive admiration

Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her

Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Often mild to moderate paranoia, that others are out to do him in.

Predominant “name dropper” boasting or suggestion association with people or affiliations of importance.

 

Pointers

The following pointers may indicate the presence of someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

They expect others to do the day-to-day chores as they feel too important to waste their time on common things.

They very rarely talk about their inner life – for example their memories and dreams.

There tends to be a higher level of stress with people who work with or interact with a narcissist, which in turn increases absenteeism and staff turnover.

They feel that rules at work don’t apply to them.

Their sense of self-importance and lack of empathy means that they will often interrupt the conversation of others.

They get impatient and restless when the topic of conversation is about someone else, and not about them.

They constantly use “I”, “me” and “my” when they talk.

If you share the workload with them, expect to do the lion’s share yourself.

They lack empathy and this colours everything they do.

They love to delegate work, and then interfere by micromanaging it. If it goes well they take the credit (plagiarism); if it goes badly, they blame the person they delegated it to.

Blame others for their actions and misfortunes.

During a conversation, no matter what topic is being discussed, they usually end up talking about themselves.

They will always cheat whenever they think they will get away with it.

Virtually all their ideas or ways of behaving in a given situation are taken from others (mirroring).”

 


Always remember anyone can be a potential abuser.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

from the desk of O.A.B.I

Break the silence and join the campaign against abuse.

Straight Talk about Identity theft.


To those who have been abused and are being abused, abuse leaves an individual especially an innocent child without an identity this is what I call identity theft, the abused is left without a face, without a voice, and without emotions, they are faceless to themselves when the world sees a beautiful face, they are emotionless when those around them feel warmth and comfort in their presence, they have no friends but many acquaintances but those around them see and feel the power and reliability of a true friend and companion, no one on the outside knows them, as all they show is a surface of illusion as they wear a mask to hide the real pain and distress felt.

The victims of abuse are in a prison which has them bound in chains to some these chains are forever as death meets them in this prison bound with the chains of hate, guilt, confusion, despair, bitterness, loneliness, shame, and fear for something which they were not responsible for nor deserved, some have escaped the prison but are still bound by the chains and at times the frustration is so strong and one feel so overwhelmed that you feel to run and never stop, you feel to hide and never be found, or just fly away to a land unknown.

Many who are still in the prison often day-dream of a time when they shall be released and the joy of life they can embrace then at those points a reality check list kick in to those still imprisoned by their abuser.

Reality you are being abused and desire to cry out but no one will hear or the shame and fear have you crippled.

Reality the violent blows are so painful but you make excuses for them.

Reality you are so fearful that even at the sound of your abuser’s voice your heart throbs and fear seizes you.

Reality you are alienated from family and friends.

Reality how did I let it reach this far.

The abused is going through identity crises for years and even when others show love they believe that they must do something to repay or earn that love, because it was inscribed on the mind of the abused that love needs to be:

Repaid or earned.

Love needs to be covered.

Love is a nasty thing.

Sex is to be used as a tool or weapon for advancement or revenge.

The victim of abuse is left with a warped sense of what is love and sad to say some never knew what love was and for years they sought something that they had no idea of what it was or how it felt, many victims are never satisfied with themselves the way they do things, they way they look, the feelings of imperfection is rooted strong in the mind and they try to do everything perfectly and in order.

The question is asked, how can the prison chains be broken, the chains can only be broken as you speak out or as I have told many persons write it down, seek counsel and help, recovery does not come overnight it is a long process but you will recover and happiness you shall know.

Some have found a comfort in the word of God and being released from the burdens they bear and to such I say continue and encourage your minister to speak about the issues of domestic violence and abuse and encourage victims to seek help and assistance while giving them the assurance of confidentiality.

The scripture says to whom much has been given much is desired and God forgives much as you feel that comfort and love reach out and share give back, not in condemnation, nor in judging but give back in love.

It is time that the church’s eyes are opened and people delivered from the many prisons which have them bound; it is time that people should be able to talk about these issues and many other family issues without fear, condemnation or criticism.

Many are in the church but they still carry the guilt, fear and gag order of society and as such they have not received that peace, joy and anointing which is to set them free they thrive on the outward show to receive the applause and accolades of men for being gifted with a particular talent in this the feeling of satisfaction comes to fill the large hole that is hurting and the burdens of abuse which many bear.

To be in the church and of the church is to really be FREE, FREE in mind, body and spirit free to speak out and counsel other victims of abuse, free from the label of being a victim of abuse but to be labeled as a survivor and victor, Jesus is the only one that can give this peace as he says he has sent his word and healed them.

Take hold on his promises by faith and as children of God let us work together to save perishing souls even in the body of Christ.

Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Psa 107:21 Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!

Jesus will heal us and all affected by abuse because he has compassion towards us.
Mat 14:14 And Jesus went forth, and saw a great multitude, and was moved with compassion toward them, and he healed their sick.

Luk 4:40 Now when the sun was setting, all they that had any sick with divers diseases brought them unto him; and he laid his hands on every one of them, and healed them.

We shall receive his virtue
Luk 6:19 and the whole multitude sought to touch him: for there went virtue out of him, and healed them all.

For years many carry unclean and hateful spirits in the body temple of the Lord, yeah even while they stand in the sanctuary and praised and worshiped God, but God is doing a great work as he has begun to heal and cast all those unclean spirits out, as you abide in the atmosphere of the abuse the spirits were transferred to you the spirit of hate, lust, pornography, identity theft, confusion, dissatisfaction, loneliness, feeling unappreciated and unloved and the list can go on but Jesus has begun to break the chains as he alone can.

Act 5:16 There came also a multitude out of the cities round about unto Jerusalem, bringing sick folks, and them which were vexed with unclean spirits: and they were healed every one.

It is of the Lords mercy we are not consumed.
Lam 3:22 It is of the LORD’S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
Lam 3:23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
Lam 3:24 The LORD is my portion, Saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
Lam 3:25 The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
Lam 3:26 It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.

God desires healing but many ministers who rule the church desire their flock to continue in sickness and death, if you are dead spiritually you shall die naturally.
Eze 34:4 The diseased have ye not strengthened, neither have ye healed that which was sick, neither have ye bound up that which was broken, neither have ye brought again that which was driven away, neither have ye sought that which was lost; but with force and with cruelty have ye ruled them.

Stand with me and proclaim deliverance and hope and joy and peace to those who are bound unless you are FREE in mind one is never free, we must in the name of JESUS pull down the strongholds of the mind.

And in every nation we are placed let God use us for his glory for reconciliation and healing to the abused, battered, afflicted and hopeless the church ought to be a haven a place of refuge a place to be loved appreciated and counseled.

Let the healing begin with you today and share it abroad encourage your ministers to speak against domestic violence and abuse, encourage your ministers to show empathy and care for the victims of abuse by putting measures in place to work with them on the way to recovery and healing.

Encourage your ministers to refrain persons from using the bible as a wiping tool to perpetuate abuse, encourage your ministers to speak out.

From the desk of O.A.B.I

Basic Needs for Any Healthy Relationship:


Many persons believe that they are not abused in a relationship because they have not been beaten or punched, but the sad truth is many are being abused daily and are unaware of it, because it is emotional and so the words spoken are excused and not seen as harmful until the damage is already done.

We were brought up with the saying “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me” or the other prominent saying “Words are wind but blows are unkind” through experience, research and counselling I have come to realize that these sayings are false words do hurt and accomplish irreparable damage to ones emotions and psychological well-being.

List of the basic needs for any healthy relationship:

The need for freedom from labels which devalue you.

The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance

The need for good will from the others.

The need for emotional support.

The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive.

The need to for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame.

The need to have your own view, even if others have a different view.

The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.

The need for encouragement.

The need for clear, honest and informative answers to questions about what affects you.

The need to live free from criticism and judgment.

The need to have your work and your interests respected.

The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat.

The need for freedom from angry outburst and rage.

The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

The need to have your final decisions accepted.

The need for privacy at times.