Abuse is a Learned behaviour


A person does not become abusive overnight, abuse is a learned behaviour it was either taught to the individual through various practices and experiences in the family circle the family circle is the education ground for all children.

Children learn to be a husband or wife based on what their parents teach them or someone outside of the family who they look up to as a role model may have perpetuated abusive actions on the individual.

 

Through my research I have placed the perpetrators of abuse into two categories.

Generation perpetrators of Abuse

The abuser is daily living with the pain and shame of being abused and have been exposed to an abusive environment for years so the abuse has become a normal part of life for them.  However they are aware that their behaviour is wrong and they need help the simplest thing sets them off and they become abusive.

There can be no change until the perpetrator admits they need help, seek help, and continue on in treatment for this to be done the abuser must also acknowledge that they are weak and out of control, should they be confronted about their behaviour they quickly become defensive and shift blame to anyone or anything.  They hate to be corrected.

Narcissistic and Sadistic perpetrators of Abuse

The narcissistic and sadistic abuser has pleasure in propagating their abusive lifestyle all the while knowing it is wrong and eventually they reach to the point where they have accepted their way as the only way and the right way.

This type of abuser is very manipulative and charming they feel invigorated to know that everyone around them bows to them and walks on egg shells around them, they find utmost pleasure and heightened emotional ecstasy in abusive acts of violence and in the administering of pain and fear to their victims.

These abusers will commit murder and justify their acts of violence with charm as they see nothing wrong with what they have done; these persons cannot safely live with other people in a family unit as they will continue to destroy other persons.

Abuse does not get better with time–it only gets worse and will lead to death.

____________________________________

The information below has been quoted from WIKIPEDIA about the Narcissistic personality.

“Diagnosis

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

Requires excessive admiration

Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her

Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Often mild to moderate paranoia, that others are out to do him in.

Predominant “name dropper” boasting or suggestion association with people or affiliations of importance.

 

Pointers

The following pointers may indicate the presence of someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

They expect others to do the day-to-day chores as they feel too important to waste their time on common things.

They very rarely talk about their inner life – for example their memories and dreams.

There tends to be a higher level of stress with people who work with or interact with a narcissist, which in turn increases absenteeism and staff turnover.

They feel that rules at work don’t apply to them.

Their sense of self-importance and lack of empathy means that they will often interrupt the conversation of others.

They get impatient and restless when the topic of conversation is about someone else, and not about them.

They constantly use “I”, “me” and “my” when they talk.

If you share the workload with them, expect to do the lion’s share yourself.

They lack empathy and this colours everything they do.

They love to delegate work, and then interfere by micromanaging it. If it goes well they take the credit (plagiarism); if it goes badly, they blame the person they delegated it to.

Blame others for their actions and misfortunes.

During a conversation, no matter what topic is being discussed, they usually end up talking about themselves.

They will always cheat whenever they think they will get away with it.

Virtually all their ideas or ways of behaving in a given situation are taken from others (mirroring).”

 


Always remember anyone can be a potential abuser.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

from the desk of O.A.B.I

Break the silence and join the campaign against abuse.

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Phrases Abusers use.


Perpetrators of abuse have many things in common,  today I will be listing some of the Phrases which many if not all of them use to keep the victim in a state of fear and to transfer blame because they will not accept blame for their behaviour, both male and female, use these phrases to manipulate their victims it is a natural part of their personalities.

If you have some phrases of your own by all means place them in the comments section of this post.

All abusers are dysfunctional individuals, insecure and unable to have a relationship unless they are in complete control. A relationship with them will turn into a toxic relationship, Violence in a relationship means a toxic relationship.

Abusers use threats to cultivate fear, anxiety and despair in their victim. Often they threaten children, family members or friends with harm if the victim doesn’t comply with his demands.

While language is not the only evidence to show a potential abusive relationship, it is very important to note the words that come from your partners mouth be attentive to the communication as verbal abuse is a stepping stone for physical abuse.


Phrases Abusers Use

  1. “Shut up!”
  2. “I’m gonna kill him.”
  3. “You are so stupid.”
  4. “Without me, you’re nothing.”
  5. “We might be divorced someday, but you’ll be dead.  Our vows said ’til death do us part.”
  6. “I am handling the monies around here.”
  7. “You cannot think on your own.”
  8. “You can do nothing right.”
  9. “If you leave me I will kill you.”
  10. “You dotish goat.”
  11. “I could just slap you.”
  12. “No one else will take such crap from you.”
  13. “Your family is too much involved in our business.”
  14. “I could just hit you upside your head and knock some sense into you.”
  15. “A snail moves faster than you.”
  16. “You keep trying my patience.”
  17. “My parents never loved me.”
  18. “No one’s ever going to believe you.”
  19. “My parents beat me.”
  20. “What have I ever done to deserve this?”
  21. “I handle the money.”
  22. “I had a bad day.”
  23. “When I walked in and saw this mess, I lost my temper.”
  24. “I couldn’t let her talk to me that way.”
  25. “Yeah, you tell your friends lies about me. I bet you don’t tell them what YOU do!”
  26. “There was nothing else I could do.”
  27. “You made me do it.”
  28. “I was drunk/high. Drugs made me do it.”
  29. “If you call the cops how will you make out.”
  30. “Think about the children.”
  31. “If you would stay out of it while I am disciplining the kids, I could do it without hitting them.”
  32. “If I can’t have you, nobody else will.”
  33. “Because I said so.”
  34. “I don’t want you talking to/seeing her.”
  35. “She pushes my buttons.”
  36. “I’ll tell you what to do.”
  37. “You are a stupid, fat, disgusting tramp.”
  38. “You’re not going out of the house looking like that.”
  39. “I knew you’d be mad because I went out for a beer after work, so I figured I might as well stay out and enjoy myself.”
  40. “You don’t need to know.”
  41. “We’re NOT doing it that way
  42. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
  43. I don’t need batterer intervention.
  44. “You make me hit you.”
  45. “If you don’t like it, tough!”
  46. “I’m different from those other men/women.”
  47. “It’s not abuse.”
  48. “You know what your problem is?”
  49. Nobody has the right to question what I do in my family.”
  50. “I don’t have a paycheck at all.”
  51. “Get over it!”
  52. “I didn’t hit you that hard.”
  53. “This is for your own good.”
  54. “My girl/boyfriend got me upset/angry, etc.”
  55. “I only hit one of the kids. I could have hit them all.”
  56. “You’ll be sorry.”
  57. “I am working longer hours for less money.”
  58. “I’m late because I had some things to do on the way home.”
  59. “You’ll never find anyone who will treat you as good as I do.”
  60. “It was a one-time thing. It won’t happen again.”
  61. “I will embarrass you in public.”
  62. “I will kill that pet of yours.”
  63. “I am stressed.”
  64. “We never [have sex/go on vacation/have any extra money/have any friends/have fun] because of you.”
  65. “If I hear your voice in this house again you will not like what I will do to you.”
  66. “I will mash up every thing in this house.”
  67. “I pay the bills so things will be done my way.”
  68. “You have no say here.”
  69. “When I met you had nothing.”
  70. “You cannot drive before me.”
  71. “You are not using that car.”
  72. “You do not speak to your children like that.”
  73. ” . . . or else.” “Don’t you tell anyone, or else.” “Get this house clean, or else.” “Have my dinner ready when I get home, or else.”
  74. “When I come home, I expect you to have my dinner ready/the children in bed etc. etc.”
  75. “My boy/girlfriend deserved it.”
  76. “I have to keep calling you because I need to make sure you are safe”
  77. “Do you want to spoil everything for us?”
  78. “You need to stop going out with some of your friends they are not good influences.”
  79. “My first wife/husband never did the things you do.”
  80. “You do things to make me angry.”
  81. “I didn’t mean to hurt her/him.”
  82. “You need to spend more time with me than with your family.”
  83. “You blame me for everything.”
  84. “Who’s going to take you seriously?”
  85. “Is your brain working, a three month old child would think better than you.”
  86. “You embarrassed me tonight.”
  87. “You look like a used up old toy, I cannot carry you anywhere.”
  88. “I DARE you to [leave/find another man/lip off to me one more time/raise your voice to me].”
  89. “My pay check doesn’t go as far as it used to.”
  90. “If you hadn’t screamed, I wouldn’t have had to hit you.”
  91. “Why do you have to take all your problems out on me?”
  92. “You do not know how to socialize.”
  93. “You are a fool.”
  94. “What are you going to do for money?”
  95. “I’ll leave you.”
  96. “You’re too needy/dependent.”
  97. “Don’t you ever stop making demands of me?”
  98. “You know I get angry when you do that”
  99. “You are good for nothing.”
  100. “I regret I got married to you, I should of married ……..”
  101. “I am tired of telling you the same thing over and over are you stupid.”
  102. “Who do you think you are?”
  103. “This meal tasted awful when will learn to cook properly this is why I eat out.”
  104. “When will you learn to iron, I cannot wear this.”
  105. “How can one person be so stupid?”
  106. “You are the most ugly, inadequate, selfish person I have ever known.”
  107. “You never listen to a word I say.”
  108. “This is the reason you have no friends and you boyfriend/girlfriend left you.”
  109. “Is that something to talk about?”
  110. “Your voice irritates me, please shut up.”
  111. “You are wrong, I am right!”
  112. “You are giving me this shit, why did you not give it to your previous companion”
  113. “I have done nothing to apologize for”
  114. “You got fat after we got married.”
  115. “This is the reason why you were abused as a child”
  116. “How could you forget that.”
  117. “You have bought a load of junk.”
  118. “I did not mean it, it was a joke”
  119. “You take things to seriously lighten up.”
  120. “I wouldn’t argue with you if I didn’t love you”
  121. “You are such a retard.”
  122. “You are so slow sometimes I think you are mentally retarded.”
  123. “You take everything too seriously.”
  124. “I am the only one hear who knows how to do things the right way”
  125. ‘You’re a lousy wife/partner/mother/lover.’
  126. “You must teach my wife how to set a table like this”
  127. “You need to look more like Jane or John”
  128. “I cannot speak to you at all”
  129. “Your a piece of SHIT.”
  130. “Let me call someone to go with you.”
  131. “Did you not hear me, I said you cannot go.”
  132. You’re lucky to have me.’
  133. ‘Nobody else would want you/put up with you.’
  134. ‘ I only do it because I love you.‘
  135. ‘I’m a man, for God’s sake.’
  136. ‘You women are all the same.’
  137. ‘You’re my wife/partner for Christ’s sake.’
  138. “Why does your family always have to get involved?”
  139. “All you ever do is complain”
  140. “Don’t you ever listen to me?”
  141. “What do you know?”
  142. “You disrespected me”
  143. “Because of me you have reached this far.”
  144. “Without me you will be a nobody.”
  145. “You are nothing.”
  146. “You want to behave like a man then I will hit you like a man”
  147. “You are such an idiot!”

While the phrases in blue belong to this site others are from various sites on the internet, this list will be updated frequently.

From the desk of

O.A.B.I

Christians do not get Battered and Abused.


I have been thinking what will I say to a Christian person who is being abused; many persons will open their mouths in shock and say to me “are you mad!!!! Christian people who shout the name of Jesus, pray, read the bible and attend church do not get abused”.

I am not mad nor do I live in a fantasy day-dream world like some will like it to be, we live in a real world with real pain, sorrow, joy and problems and yes Christians live in this world also not because they are Christians are they exempted or immune from life’s situations and problems.

Many preachers tell their people “We as Christians are to be PROSPEROUS and nothing will happen to you if you continue sowing a seed just sow a seed and the devil will not touch you nor your family and all your problems will vanish… poof” and this is why many women, children, and men are keeping silent while being brutally battered and abused.

They say to themselves “I am a Christian and doing everything right I cannot speak about this it will send a wrong message” so they have decided to remain in an abusive relationship and go shout all the hallelujah’s they know and dance but inwardly there is no peace and their daily life is one of fear.

My friend you need to break the silence not because you are a Christian should you accept abuse or be ashamed to speak out about abuse, or lend your support to the cause rather it is because you are a Christian that the responsibility is laid upon you to speak out abuse is a reprehensible vile cruel monstrous behaviour which needs to be eradicated.

You are fearful and wonderfully made God created you unique to be loved, appreciated and respected, not to be punched, kicked, belittled or abused together with your companion your relationship ought to show the beauty of holiness, joy and love which will bring glory to name of Jesus.

Marriage represents the union between Christ and his Church and anything which is done in the marriage union which does not glorify God misrepresents his character to the universe and the world.

God did not create the husband to batter and abuse the wife violently nor did he create the wife to batter and abuse the husband or parents their children, abuse is a vile evil which takes hold of one of the parties and the only way they know how to deal with situations and their own failings is to lash out with control and violence.

Abuse is a learned behaviour it does not happen overnight it is a mental state of mind many abusers where abused and so the behaviour was handed down to them which is truly sad the abuser will not admit that they have a serious mental problem but will blame everyone else because they feel comfortable as the power holder and can turn the control knob at their whims and fancy.

The decision to leave or call the cops on someone you love is never easy it is the hardest thing to do you need the abuse to stop and deep down somehow you still feel affection for the one doing the abuse, in your mind you are well aware that the abuser needs help, for many years you may pause before making a stand because you keep saying he/she will change.

Change comes when you make a stand and place the individual in a situation to accept their behaviour as cruel and detrimental to another human being and themselves.

Many say to themselves “he/she will never do it again” and you will make all excuse which “seems” plausible and correct to your mental state at the time and all the while as you remain in such a situation you are losing your identity and being ripped apart emotionally and physically. You become fearful and weak and the abuser takes advantage of such a situation when other’s see you smile you are crying inside and bawling for help.

When you do gain the courage to take a stand in saying no more abuse and the abuser is caught he/she will appeal to your emotions and cry, beg plead, use the most loving and caring tone, use the children, financial situations, family and friends and even church members they will make such appealing promises that the abuse will never happen again.

Because they are now in a place where their power has been cut and they must be faced with the monster they truly are, and yes the abuser may have some good qualities the vilest of men have some good qualities should you remain and continue being abused because of this, this is what will hold many victims thinking to themselves that the abuse is my fault but my dear abuse is NEVER your fault.

The decisions which you have to make in getting out of an abusive relationship no counsellor, cop, family, pastor, church member or friend can make them for you, you must with prayer and supplication cry out to God and sit back and take a long hard look at yourself and your life and ask yourself the following questions:

Was I created to be battered and abused?

Is this what marriage and life is all about?

would I like my children to abuse another human being or to be abused?

Am I happy with my present situation?

Can I shout for joy and feel comfortable yelling to the world “I am abused and Love the feeling?

The decision will never be easy nor the road to recovery but a decision must be made a decision to walk away and break all ties, separate, or let the person seek counsel while you separate and monitor the counselling sessions but one thing is for sure the victim must not remain in the same house while the individual is going through counselling.

God wants you to be wise pray and fast always remember Love is the principle of God and being obedient to his word by precept and example love is never violent acts of consistent abusive behaviour.

Abuse is NEVER your fault and it should not be accepted at no time.

With Love from the desk of

O.A.B.I.


Straight Talk about Identity theft.


To those who have been abused and are being abused, abuse leaves an individual especially an innocent child without an identity this is what I call identity theft, the abused is left without a face, without a voice, and without emotions, they are faceless to themselves when the world sees a beautiful face, they are emotionless when those around them feel warmth and comfort in their presence, they have no friends but many acquaintances but those around them see and feel the power and reliability of a true friend and companion, no one on the outside knows them, as all they show is a surface of illusion as they wear a mask to hide the real pain and distress felt.

The victims of abuse are in a prison which has them bound in chains to some these chains are forever as death meets them in this prison bound with the chains of hate, guilt, confusion, despair, bitterness, loneliness, shame, and fear for something which they were not responsible for nor deserved, some have escaped the prison but are still bound by the chains and at times the frustration is so strong and one feel so overwhelmed that you feel to run and never stop, you feel to hide and never be found, or just fly away to a land unknown.

Many who are still in the prison often day-dream of a time when they shall be released and the joy of life they can embrace then at those points a reality check list kick in to those still imprisoned by their abuser.

Reality you are being abused and desire to cry out but no one will hear or the shame and fear have you crippled.

Reality the violent blows are so painful but you make excuses for them.

Reality you are so fearful that even at the sound of your abuser’s voice your heart throbs and fear seizes you.

Reality you are alienated from family and friends.

Reality how did I let it reach this far.

The abused is going through identity crises for years and even when others show love they believe that they must do something to repay or earn that love, because it was inscribed on the mind of the abused that love needs to be:

Repaid or earned.

Love needs to be covered.

Love is a nasty thing.

Sex is to be used as a tool or weapon for advancement or revenge.

The victim of abuse is left with a warped sense of what is love and sad to say some never knew what love was and for years they sought something that they had no idea of what it was or how it felt, many victims are never satisfied with themselves the way they do things, they way they look, the feelings of imperfection is rooted strong in the mind and they try to do everything perfectly and in order.

The question is asked, how can the prison chains be broken, the chains can only be broken as you speak out or as I have told many persons write it down, seek counsel and help, recovery does not come overnight it is a long process but you will recover and happiness you shall know.

Some have found a comfort in the word of God and being released from the burdens they bear and to such I say continue and encourage your minister to speak about the issues of domestic violence and abuse and encourage victims to seek help and assistance while giving them the assurance of confidentiality.

The scripture says to whom much has been given much is desired and God forgives much as you feel that comfort and love reach out and share give back, not in condemnation, nor in judging but give back in love.

It is time that the church’s eyes are opened and people delivered from the many prisons which have them bound; it is time that people should be able to talk about these issues and many other family issues without fear, condemnation or criticism.

Many are in the church but they still carry the guilt, fear and gag order of society and as such they have not received that peace, joy and anointing which is to set them free they thrive on the outward show to receive the applause and accolades of men for being gifted with a particular talent in this the feeling of satisfaction comes to fill the large hole that is hurting and the burdens of abuse which many bear.

To be in the church and of the church is to really be FREE, FREE in mind, body and spirit free to speak out and counsel other victims of abuse, free from the label of being a victim of abuse but to be labeled as a survivor and victor, Jesus is the only one that can give this peace as he says he has sent his word and healed them.

Take hold on his promises by faith and as children of God let us work together to save perishing souls even in the body of Christ.

Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Psa 107:21 Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!

Jesus will heal us and all affected by abuse because he has compassion towards us.
Mat 14:14 And Jesus went forth, and saw a great multitude, and was moved with compassion toward them, and he healed their sick.

Luk 4:40 Now when the sun was setting, all they that had any sick with divers diseases brought them unto him; and he laid his hands on every one of them, and healed them.

We shall receive his virtue
Luk 6:19 and the whole multitude sought to touch him: for there went virtue out of him, and healed them all.

For years many carry unclean and hateful spirits in the body temple of the Lord, yeah even while they stand in the sanctuary and praised and worshiped God, but God is doing a great work as he has begun to heal and cast all those unclean spirits out, as you abide in the atmosphere of the abuse the spirits were transferred to you the spirit of hate, lust, pornography, identity theft, confusion, dissatisfaction, loneliness, feeling unappreciated and unloved and the list can go on but Jesus has begun to break the chains as he alone can.

Act 5:16 There came also a multitude out of the cities round about unto Jerusalem, bringing sick folks, and them which were vexed with unclean spirits: and they were healed every one.

It is of the Lords mercy we are not consumed.
Lam 3:22 It is of the LORD’S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
Lam 3:23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
Lam 3:24 The LORD is my portion, Saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
Lam 3:25 The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
Lam 3:26 It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.

God desires healing but many ministers who rule the church desire their flock to continue in sickness and death, if you are dead spiritually you shall die naturally.
Eze 34:4 The diseased have ye not strengthened, neither have ye healed that which was sick, neither have ye bound up that which was broken, neither have ye brought again that which was driven away, neither have ye sought that which was lost; but with force and with cruelty have ye ruled them.

Stand with me and proclaim deliverance and hope and joy and peace to those who are bound unless you are FREE in mind one is never free, we must in the name of JESUS pull down the strongholds of the mind.

And in every nation we are placed let God use us for his glory for reconciliation and healing to the abused, battered, afflicted and hopeless the church ought to be a haven a place of refuge a place to be loved appreciated and counseled.

Let the healing begin with you today and share it abroad encourage your ministers to speak against domestic violence and abuse, encourage your ministers to show empathy and care for the victims of abuse by putting measures in place to work with them on the way to recovery and healing.

Encourage your ministers to refrain persons from using the bible as a wiping tool to perpetuate abuse, encourage your ministers to speak out.

From the desk of O.A.B.I

Basic Needs for Any Healthy Relationship:


Many persons believe that they are not abused in a relationship because they have not been beaten or punched, but the sad truth is many are being abused daily and are unaware of it, because it is emotional and so the words spoken are excused and not seen as harmful until the damage is already done.

We were brought up with the saying “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me” or the other prominent saying “Words are wind but blows are unkind” through experience, research and counselling I have come to realize that these sayings are false words do hurt and accomplish irreparable damage to ones emotions and psychological well-being.

List of the basic needs for any healthy relationship:

The need for freedom from labels which devalue you.

The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance

The need for good will from the others.

The need for emotional support.

The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive.

The need to for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame.

The need to have your own view, even if others have a different view.

The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.

The need for encouragement.

The need for clear, honest and informative answers to questions about what affects you.

The need to live free from criticism and judgment.

The need to have your work and your interests respected.

The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat.

The need for freedom from angry outburst and rage.

The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

The need to have your final decisions accepted.

The need for privacy at times.


Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam, Consilio et Animis.

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